There have been many occasions where I have felt ‘less’ because I have allowed (Sometimes unwittingly) someone to take my power from me. These days I can generally get a sense if someone is an emotional vampire and I try my hardest not to become drained. This is not always easy, because sometimes emotional ties to people are like complicated webs that it can be tricky if not near impossible to free ourselves from.
I realised something as I have been thinking lately about personal power and that is that often the emotional vampire stealing my lifeblood, the negative force telling me I am no good and the one dis-empowering me is ME!
This realisation freaked me out a lot because while we can generally see less of other people or confront them about their behaviour, perhaps changing the relationship it’s impossible to escape from yourself (Though many, including myself have tried by using drugs/alcohol etc). It also seems very difficult to change thought negative thought patterns.
I have realised that in many ways I am self sabotaging. I have heard my internal voice so many times saying things like:
You are not really loved
You will always be anxious
Your friends don’t really like you
You are expendable
The world would be a better place without you in it
You are of no use to your family, friends, society or the universe!!!!
Dramatic eh? … Sadly all true though.
I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer as to how to reclaim power back from the self because I am still working on it. I believe though that we have to take all the negative things we think and absolutely reassure ourselves that they are false.
If we are are at the point of trying to reclaim our power back from ourselves and others then I think we are at the point where we can truly love ourselves and in turn others.
I know you will have different negative self thought than me. (I hope you have none btw!!) but the statements written above are just things off the top of my head that I happen to think sometimes.. or if I’m honest a lot.
I need to remember I am loved
I think in order to feel love we have to allow ourselves to feel a certain amount of vulnerability, which is why it can be terrifying. I am a believer that the things that take us time and effort to work on are usually the most precious of things. Love being one of these things.
I know I am loved by my family. It is in their own way and it hasn’t always been an easy type of love but we have all reached a stage now where generally being around each other is not harmful.
I remember being wee and feeling an unconditional love from my mother. The really secure kind of love that enveloped me in absolute protection. I wonder if it is this feeling people get when they talk about the love of a God.
That brings me to another point..For those who have read my blog a wee bit you will probably know that I am atheist/agnostic….kinda. Its complicated I suppose but I have always believed in some sort of universal connectedness (A cosmic consciousness?) which is greater than anything our human brains could fathom. What I believe in is not a religious God that needs to be worshipped but something very close to absolute love. .. Its hard to explain. My friend actually recommended I read a book called ‘Proof of heaven:A neurosurgeon’s journey into the afterlife’. I downloaded it onto my kindle today (Or as my friend said today ‘I Kindled it!’) and the description of ‘The afterlife’ and of ‘God’ is very close to the ideas (I guess more feelings) I have always had about what ‘God’ (For lack of a better term) is.
Somehow I have always felt like the Universe was somehow there for me (as bizarre as that sounds) and I get that feeling most when I am out in nature.
I have a song I wrote a few years back and one of the lyrics is:
“I won’t feel scared or small,
because it’s bigger than us all
Infinity can cradle me as I’m sleeping”
My human brain is too small to be able to take in infinity and everything (Just! hehe) so I’m not going to worry about it. I am on a bit of a tangent here sort of. I believe though that the point of it all is love. An all encompassing, unconditional love. This might seem mushy but I feel we get glimpses of this in the love we can feel for other beings and the beauty in the world that surrounds us.
So, I feel not only is the Universe filled with love and positivity but that love and positivity is what we should strive for on this world in this body for the short time we are here.
I guess what I am saying (Not too succinctly!) is that If I feel that the Universe practically emanates love then why on earth have I built these walls to prevent myself from genuinely loving myself? Why do I question my worth or worry about what people think?
I want to try to work out the answer to those questions. I feel a lot of this stems from my anxiety and the mental illnesses I have suffered, all of my adult life and actually as a child too. Perhaps I have felt too damaged or too much hard work to be truly loved. This is something I am working on.
I believe that my partner loves me. She finds it as difficult as me to let anyone in and shuts herself off emotionally too, so our relationship has not been an easy one. We do have a deep love, understanding and appreciation of each other though and I feel that perhaps we are meant to be together because we challenge each other; relationship wise and also on a deeper level.
I am also lucky to have a few soul-friends; people on the planet that I might not see for a while but we are always connected, so when we do see each other or get in touch it is like no time has passed. I think this is an amazing type of love which makes me feel all the more that spiritually we are all connected in some way or another in ways I can’t quite grasp to articulate. (Which is frustrating!)
I wonder how you learned to love yourselves? If it’s still a work in progress for you? What stood in your way?
I know there are philosophers who have said that we need to suffer and get through it to really learn about ourselves. (Paraphrasing the greats here btw! ) I wonder if that is somehow true; that we need to hurt before we can learn how healing works? …..
Love and light xxLisa