This is not something that made me happy today when I had to take a stand. I felt sick and sad and scared but I know that this will be something that will make me happier in the future. I think that is the way with feeling happy and safe; sometimes you have to lay the foundations for happiness that comes later. The foundations are necessary.
I got a drunk phone call from my parents last night. I had been having a nice night, was enjoying a nice dinner and watching a series I really like (Outrageous fortune.. I would totally recommend it) and just chilling with my partner.
I won’t go into details but it was all stuff to do with what did and didn’t happen when I was younger regarding stuff I talked about a bit in an earlier post. My dad was all frantic and my mum just sounded a bit out of it and was going on about things that I am trying to work through myself. The phone call took over an hour and by the time it was finished I was having an anxiety attack, felt ill and drained and had to go to bed.
This is the thing. They only call when drunk and it’s always for me to sort out some problem. There can be times when months go by without me actually hearing from them about anything neutral or positive.
So. This morning for the first time in my life I called my parents and my mum answered. I asked her how she was, I was calm but asked that they don’t phone me again when they are drunk. I said that it makes me anxious and having to relive my childhood on their terms isn’t fair and that I’m about to get a counsellor to begin dealing with the things that happened during my childhood. She obviously didn’t remember calling me but apologised. I think I would have preferred to talk to my dad as he actually called me because of something my mum said he did.. but I told her to ask him not to call me drunk either.
I have to admit at the moment I feel sad and like I have made my mum upset or embarrassed but I knew it was something I had to do because it was really affecting me. I’m not sure what is going to happen in their lives and I hope they end up getting out of what seems like an endless situation of reliving the past over and over. For me I need to move on and I hope what I did today even though I am in bed upset about it will be something that will help me in the future. I can’t help them any more.. I need to concentrate on me. A phone call like that from them used to make me feel depressed for a long time after. I am going to try to let it go.. and hope that they remember what I said today.
If they call me again at night I will answer in case it’s an emergency and if they are being drunk and like that I’m just going to say I don’t want to talk to them. This is a big step forward because I have never even seen that as am option before. I have been assigned to be the ‘Sorter of things’ and I have just resigned from that role. I know that protecting myself from stressful situations like this will make my long term happiness better. I think that is just as important as doing fleeting things that make you happy in the moment (Or provide you with memories you can access for future happiness)
I was going to to a video diary type thing (Or a few) today because I have been ‘forcing myself happy’ for 2 months now and so am a third of the way through my journey but I thought this was important. (hopefully videos tomorrow!)
Love and light xxLisa
ETA-I just realised this was my 100th post. I wish It was more happy.. we can make our own rules though and pretend that tomorrow is the real 100th (I have posted pics and stuff that didn’t count!) xx