I realised something as I have been thinking lately about personal power and that is that often the emotional vampire stealing my lifeblood, the negative force telling me I am no good and the one dis-empowering me is ME!

This realisation freaked me out a lot because while we can generally see less of other people or confront them about their behaviour, perhaps changing the relationship it’s impossible to escape from yourself (Though many, including myself have tried by using drugs/alcohol etc). It also seems very difficult to change thought negative thought patterns.

I have realised that in many ways I am self sabotaging. I have heard my internal voice so many times saying things like:
You are not really loved
You will always be anxious
Your friends don’t really like you
You are expendable
The world would be a better place without you in it
You are of no use to your family, friends, society or the universe!!!!

Dramatic eh? … Sadly all true though.

I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer as to how to reclaim power back from the self because I am still working on it. I believe though that we have to take all the negative things we think and absolutely reassure ourselves that they are false.

If we are are at the point of trying to reclaim our power back from ourselves and others then I think we are at the point where we can truly love ourselves and in turn others.

I know you will have different negative self thought than me. (I hope you have none btw!!) but the statements written above are just things off the top of my head that I happen to think sometimes.. or if I’m honest a lot.

I need to remember I am loved
I think in order to feel love we have to allow ourselves to feel a certain amount of vulnerability, which is why it can be terrifying. I am a believer that the things that take us time and effort to work on are usually the most precious of things. Love being one of these things.
I know I am loved by my family. It is in their own way and it hasn’t always been an easy type of love but we have all reached a stage now where generally being around each other is not harmful.

I remember being wee and feeling an unconditional love from my mother. The really secure kind of love that enveloped me in absolute protection. I wonder if it is this feeling people get when they talk about the love of a God.

That brings me to another point..For those who have read my blog a wee bit you will probably know that I am atheist/agnostic….kinda. Its complicated I suppose but I have always believed in some sort of universal connectedness (A cosmic consciousness?) which is greater than anything our human brains could fathom. What I believe in is not a religious God that needs to be worshipped but something very close to absolute love. .. Its hard to explain. My friend actually recommended I read a book called ‘Proof of heaven:A neurosurgeon’s journey into the afterlife’. I downloaded it onto my kindle today (Or as my friend said today ‘I Kindled it!’) and the description of ‘The afterlife’ and of ‘God’ is very close to the ideas (I guess more feelings) I have always had about what ‘God’ (For lack of a better term) is.

Somehow I have always felt like the Universe was somehow there for me (as bizarre as that sounds) and I get that feeling most when I am out in nature.

I have a song I wrote a few years back and one of the lyrics is:
“I won’t feel scared or small,
because it’s bigger than us all
Infinity can cradle me as I’m sleeping”

My human brain is too small to be able to take in infinity and everything (Just! hehe) so I’m not going to worry about it. I am on a bit of a tangent here sort of. I believe though that the point of it all is love. An all encompassing, unconditional love. This might seem mushy but I feel we get glimpses of this in the love we can feel for other beings and the beauty in the world that surrounds us.

So, I feel not only is the Universe filled with love and positivity but that love and positivity is what we should strive for on this world in this body for the short time we are here.

I guess what I am saying (Not too succinctly!) is that If I feel that the Universe practically emanates love then why on earth have I built these walls to prevent myself from genuinely loving myself? Why do I question my worth or worry about what people think?

I want to try to work out the answer to those questions. I feel a lot of this stems from my anxiety and the mental illnesses I have suffered, all of my adult life and actually as a child too. Perhaps I have felt too damaged or too much hard work to be truly loved. This is something I am working on.

I believe that my partner loves me. She finds it as difficult as me to let anyone in and shuts herself off emotionally too, so our relationship has not been an easy one. We do have a deep love, understanding and appreciation of each other though and I feel that perhaps we are meant to be together because we challenge each other; relationship wise and also on a deeper level.

I am also lucky to have a few soul-friends; people on the planet that I might not see for a while but we are always connected, so when we do see each other or get in touch it is like no time has passed. I think this is an amazing type of love which makes me feel all the more that spiritually we are all connected in some way or another in ways I can’t quite grasp to articulate. (Which is frustrating!)

I wonder how you learned to love yourselves? If it’s still a work in progress for you? What stood in your way?

I know there are philosophers who have said that we need to suffer and get through it to really learn about ourselves. (Paraphrasing the greats here btw! ) I wonder if that is somehow true; that we need to hurt before we can learn how healing works? …..

Love and light xxLisa

I certainly think there is some truth to this.

On Saturday I heard mine and my neighbours doorbell ringing. I answered because I thought maybe my other neighbour needed us or there had been an accident. When I opened the door a drunk/possibly on drugs guy was standing and said he was looking for his “Uncle Beatie!
I said I didn’t know anyone by that name.
He then said “well just let me in your house so I can go out your back door to the lane”
I said I wasn’t letting him in my house because I didn’t know him…

His reply.. (Cover your eyes if you are sensitive to the crudities (Wait..aren’t they chopped up bits of veg? I am in trauma.. I am allowing myself mistakes! )

“If you don’t let me in your fucking house I’m smash your fucking door in you fucking cunt”

Charming.

I repeated that I wasn’t letting him in and shut the door and locked it.

True to his word he smashed my glass door in.

Lucky for me there was a protective layer behind the bit he smashed or I would have had glass all over my face.

My adrenaline kicked in and weirdly I ran after him! Then It ran out and I freaked out a bit.

I met an old couple who were looking up an alleyway and I asked them if they had seem a generic Ned with pushed forward hair and white tracksuit. They said he had ran up the lane holding on to his right arm.
(Is it wrong to hope that he really hurt his frigging arm??!)

I was left a bit shocked really. I didn’t have time to freak out because we had tickets to go to see the musical 9-5 for my Mum’s 60th birthday. We had also taken her for dinner the Saturday before which was great.

It wasn’t till a couple of days later that I thought “why me?”

I suppose the question is “why not me”

It has been a difficult year (well counting last year) though I did have a lot of fun ‘forcing myself happy’!! I think though like that philosopher whose name escapes me (Though I do know he was forced to kill himself by Nero who was his student) said “we can make ourselves unhappy because when bad things happen we just don’t expect them ever to happen to us” (haha.. again totally paraphrasing.. actually he probably never even said anything like this!! )

Bad things happen to all of us but I think we need to concentrate on the good. Sounds like a cliché hu?
I have a home, a cat a partner and I am allowed to study.
There is so much beauty to look at in nature, books to read and of course zombie films to watch!

I’m going to try hard not to concentrate so much on the bad things that have happened and think about all the good.

*I just wanted to say hello really. Sorry it has been short (My counsellor is calling me in a wee while and I always mentally prepare) I hope to write more soon but have felt a bit stuck in other areas. All the crap that happened with my Doctor and what to do about it all and feeling the pressure of studying a bit.

As ever love and light to you all. xxLisa

I have a personal theory that a lot of anxiety comes from feeling powerless in a situation, within yourself or in life in general. So I have been working on trying to change that. I think I feel positive about the changes but they can also be pretty hard to implement, especially if people including yourself have been used to you being a certain way. I have noticed that not a lot of people like change and can battle against it. I think when we imagine power it is surging and sometimes destructive but actually it is our driving force and we absolutely need some. When we run out of power we just shut up or shut down. (I guess this is why if people over-power us in a conversation a lot of the time we just stay quiet)

Reclaiming power from other people
For me this has been very difficult. I am one of these people that ‘tries to please’ and ‘doesn’t want to rock the boat’. I know there have been many times where I have went along with something that someone else wanted to the detriment of my own happiness. I’m not saying you should get your own way all the time btw .. just that power relationships with you and another person should be as equal as possible. *If you are into S n M ..then just ignore everything I just said! *

There are a lot of tactics people use to have power over you and it’s not always as obvious as the threat of a punch in the face. There is psychological literature written on this very topic but I think that If you feel someone is trying to take away your power, then they usually they are. I think you should trust your instincts.

Recently I organised a Birthday dinner for my Mum. I Spent ages calling family, booking the restaurant and making sure I could go in before hand to decorate. Firstly my Dad said my mum didn’t want this which I knew to be untrue and I waited till I could ask my mum and she told me it would be lovely and was exactly what she wanted. (I suppose actually that was an example of me taking power back for someone else too so I got a toofer there!!)

Then a week later my Dad called again to say my mum wanted to go to an Indian restaurant, even though he knew I had everything booked. His phone call was very abrupt “This is what is wanted. Do it.” (More or less). I spent all day feeling really stressed. I would have to call all the family and let them know, I would have to cancel with the restaurant that had been really accommodating with me regarding menu changes for our veggie guests and lots more and I would have to book a place in a restaurant that I didn’t think was suited to meeting up with people who hadn’t met up for over 10 years. (It looked pretty formal with a piano etc!)
Really it wasn’t my responsibility in the first place to book anything but I didn’t think there would be so much hassle. Again I talked to my Mum and she said she actually didn’t want to go to the Indian restaurant and was happy where we were going.

The reason I am talking about this situation is because it almost seems innocuous and like there have been wee mix ups here and there and really nothing serious is going on. Actually though one person is trying to wield all the power over the situation.

If you feel that someone is trying to take away your power you should probably ask yourself:

Do they do this a lot? Do I always or often feel this way around this person?

Basically if someone gets away with something for long enough they will just think this is the way things are always going to be for them.
I know that my Dad pretty much has always got his own way about everything. My Mum ‘doesn’t want to rock the boat’. When I asked her “Just let me know what you want, because it doesn’t matter. Things can be changed with no hassle (I just said that so she had an actual choice)” She was quiet and then stuttered a bit and sighed and said “well I want other people to be happy”. It became clear to me that she meant this is what my Dad wanted.

Start to notice when you feel someone is trying to making you feel powerless in a situation

After stressing about things all day to the point of anxiety. I think partly because I had to change things but mainly because I felt my Dad trying to take away the autonomy of other people to get what he wanted. I called him and said “Ok. If you want to change restaurants then you can call the family up, cancel with the other place and book the restaurant you want.”. I notice that when I am with people who have tried to take away my power I have literally felt drained, often bad about myself and usually harassed. I think if you don’t feel good or even neutral after a conversation or encounter with someone but feel bad it’s probably that they have taken some of your power away. I am sure there are many reasons why people might want to do this but I generally think it’s because they don’t feel they have enough power of their own.

Understand the techniques people use to take power from you

I think people are different in the ways they try to remove your power and assert theirs but this is what happened with my Dad:
Right away he started getting defensive saying “Why are you doing this?” (Much of the time when you decide to reclaim your power back a person who is used to taking your power will not know how to handle it and feel like they have been really wronged. Something some people call going into “Poor me” mode.)

First he got annoyed saying “It’s not a big deal to change it!” and I said “Well that’s fine, then you do it”

Then he transferred the blame away from himself saying “Oh one of your aunts said the other place was too expensive” I actually reminded him that a couple of the people going didn’t actually even like Indian food and that there was no parking there even though we have disabled guests.
Next was ‘poor me’ mode when he said the “Why are you doing this?”

Don’t feel bad for taking your power back because it was yours to begin with!

I think something you have to be prepared for, that not all people who are power thieves (as I shall now call them) are raging and angry and take your power by frightening you. In the past my Dad has tried to use that tactic but it is getting less useful for him these days. I have found loads of times after an exchange with someone my power levels feel really down and I feel bad about myself. If I look back over the situation I can sometimes see what has gone on but it can be difficult to know what’s going on at the time.

I am only beginning my journey to reclaim my power, a part of which was writing this blog so I’m no expert but I will let you know how I get on. I have to admit that when standing up to my Dad I did feel bad. People who are adept at manipulation understand what will upset you and are good at placing the blame with you and not them. This is part of the reason why I think a lot of people including myself get scared to challenge people like this because in the beginning it can turn out that you end up feeling crap. I think much of the time, especially if the power thieves are engrained in your life you might feel crappy or sad for a while but I’m pretty sure it will be worth it in the end.

I was thinking about this exchange with my Dad (and actually a few since and many before) and I thought to myself “I don’t want to have to be in a constant battle with my father for my power”. Sometimes there is only so much you can do. If someone is going to take away your power to the point that you find it near impossible to fight back, and if you notice that It’s probably better to try to not allow them the opportunity. If I’m honest, I don’t see my Dad that much these days because I always feel really mentally drained afterwards. Perhaps this method of taking my power back will change things and if not, then I will protect myself by not being around him.

Are you/have you been affected by any ‘Power thieves’? How do you/did you cope?

I want to write a bit more about this idea of reclaiming my personal power because I honestly think that feeling that you have a certain amount of autonomy over things can really reduce anxiety. For now though I need to do a mega quick Xmas tidy as we have aunties and pals coming over soon for xmas related madness!!

When you suffer from Anxiety/agoraphobia as well as a lot of mental illnesses you often feel like you are not good enough or that you are unloveable.. erm just me? :/
For me then, I felt unlovable for a long time because I didn’t love myself. In fact I didn’t even particularly like myself.

I often had thoughts like “who could really love me?” especially when I was going through really bad periods of agoraphobia or anxiety and leaving my couch let alone my house felt like an impossibility. You know though, during the time I have been agoraphobic (about 10 years) I have had 3 relationships; one for 2 years, one for 3 and my latest one for 5 (TBC lol!) ..Oh! I have also met lots of friends on and offline and have continued to have relationships with friends I have known since before my anxiety.

For anyone who feels unlovable because they suffer from a mental illness I have a secret. You are absolutely loveable and most probably wonderful!!

I wont lie to you, I have met a couple of people (one person sticks in my mind quite clearly as I write this) who might just find it too much like hard work to date someone (Or even be friends with someone) with mental health problems. The way I see it is that it’s better to weed out these people right from the start because, well who would want to be friends (or date) someone so shallow and self involved anyway?
In a way, mental health problems are a good way of weeding out fair-weather friends!! *See.. See how I put a good spin on being mental?! *

Helping people without anxiety/agoraphobia understand your needs

*I am going to talk about anxiety/agoraphobia because that is what I am suffering from at the moment. I have had OCD, severe depression, phobias and many more mental health problems over the years but my anxiety and agoraphobia are what I am dealing with at the moment*

The thing is, people who have never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks just can’t understand how bad they feel. They think “well this doesn’t seem to be physically hurting you so why can’t you just get on with it?” If you are agoraphobic they might think “Ach.. it’s just leaving your house..it’s not like you are doing anything stressful”

I believe that most people are good and want to understand and help others. *I am a bit of an optimist when it comes to humans I must admit!* So, taking into account that people who don’t suffer from anxiety don’t have a clue what you are going through here are a few rules I now follow which make my life much much easier!

1. Tell people how you feel!!

I know this sounds really obvious but if you think about it we spend a lot of the time purposefully NOT telling people how we feel!!

“How are you?”
“Fine. How are you?”
“Fine”

Now.. how often have you had that conversation as you walk past someone on the street or chat to them on the phone and then go on to talk about everything under the sun rather than talk about how you are actually feeling.
I think the reason we do this is because we feel we don’t want to bore people with our problems. We might also feel that telling someone about our mental health makes us vulnerable. Actually it makes us stronger. If we tell people how we feel and they understand (as much as they can) then we have someone on our side that we don’t have to explain ourselves to when we can’t meet up with them or if dinner has to be at our house or if we are having a walk with them and have to flee ……

For years I never told anyone how I felt and secretly when they went home I would cry myself to sleep and I would cut myself just to feel something. I am not suffering from depression any more; I believe a big part of that is the fact I learned to trust people with my feelings and I also don’t self mutilate (It’s just not useful for me any more as a means of coping and I have allowed myself to feel. even though that has been pretty scary… I will talk more about that another time.. erm I think we were talking about relationships.. but as you know I ramble a LOT!)

So I would say rule number one when starting a new relationship with someone, whether it is a friendship or more. Is just tell them how you feel.

Letting people know how you feel can include how you feel about actually suffering from anxiety or letting them know about your symptoms. If you have a social phobia and get anxious when talking to people then I think it’s good to actually let them know. I once met up with a person with an almost crippling social phobia at a party. He was literally shaking as I went to talk to him. I told him that I suffered from anxiety and that sometimes that made it difficult to talk to people and he opened up and told me all about his social phobia. As soon as it was out he became more comfortable right away. If you are pretending everything is ok when it is really not and try to keep things inside your physical symptoms end up worse. By trying to not focus on what you are feeling it’s almost as if the feelings start waving to you shouting “hey ..I’m here.. deal with me!!”… If you do.. a lot of the time you can feel better.
This has been my experience but I know that some schools of thought are that you should try to think about other things as a distraction.. If that works for you then you should do that. I still think though it is good to tell people how you are feeling. You will be surprised at how many people will understand or at least be sympathetic. If they are not then they are probably not worth getting to know as a friend anyway at that point.

2. Let people know about your mental health problems

Usually in the first conversation I have with someone I will tell them that I have agoraphobia that I am working on and suffer from anxiety. I tell them other things about me too because my mental health in no way defines me. It has partially shaped me and can be limiting to an extent but it doesn’t mess too much with my sense of humour, intelligence and all the other things that make me me! (I realise that sounded a bit big headed there.. but actually I stopped myself from going on to list my other wonderful attributes!! )
I suppose this should have been first on my list really and actually I suppose telling people how you feel and telling people about a specific problem that can make you feel a certain way are pretty much connected… I really like lists though, so indulge me!

I suppose putting a name to things gives you a point of reference. If in the future you are with a friend and have an anxiety attack instead of listing all the things you are feeling you can tell them you are anxious or having a panic attack which will let them know and also save you from having to explain how you are feeling as you are trying to breathe properly from under your covers!

3. Tell people about the symptoms you might experience

Hmm.. I know for a fact this is something that makes me feel quite vulnerable when I tell people because the symptoms themselves make me feel really vulnerable when I am feeling them. They are not attractive particularly. *Unless you have a fetish for drooling shaking people* but they can’t be helped so if someone is going to know me, love me, care about me they should know what to expect if I have a panic attack.
-I feel that I can’t breath and my heart rate increases so I start to get red and my breathing gets gulpy.
-I get very fidgety, especially if I can’t escape e.g. If I am in a car
-I can start to drool (which is probably the most attractive thing I do!) because I am unable to swallow. I usually try to have a hanky with me so that I am not salivating all over myself!
-I might get to the point of crying. Actually by this point my anxiety usually gets a bit better because I am letting go.

I have had other symptoms but those are probably the ones people will notice.

4 Tell people what you want them to do when you are anxious

Know what helps you or what you use to help yourself. When you are anxious do you like the reassurance of someone to cuddle you or hold your hand or do you prefer people to leave you alone? Personally I usually prefer to be alone. If I am in the house I will go upstairs and try to calm myself by reading with my small kindle light or just lying in a dark room for a while. If I am still anxious after a while I will take medication. (I hope to be able to manage my anxiety attacks in the future without the use of medication but for now this is also an option for me). I find that icy water helps. If you hold an ice cube on your wrist it can cool you down and make you feel calmer. Each of you will have things that make you feel better so just let the people around you know what it best for you. I promise this is not a hassle for people. If someone loves you they wont want to see you suffering and will try to help you. Just think, if you saw someone you loved suffering you would do what you could to help them and you wouldn’t have to think twice about it. This is how people feel when you are suffering from anxiety.

5 Remember that people are only human and might not always react exactly as you might want them to

I remember being in the car with my partner as I was having an anxiety attack (with all the usual symptoms) She said something like “FFS you are almost home! Why are you panicking now?” I felt this to be particularly cruel.. While I was having the panic attack I thought “wow..it’s like she is kicking me when I’m down by getting angry while I am suffering”. She told me later that she felt very stressed. It stresses her when I am having a panic attack because she feels helpless. Actually, there isn’t much she can do when I am panicking. I did tell her thought that actually shouting or being pissed off will make me feel worse.
I know that when you are actually having a panic attack it’s almost as if your whole world focuses in on you, your symptoms, things that are making you feel worse, anxious thoughts that enter your mind etc.. but really the world is still inexorably trundling along and other people are feeling their own stresses and frustrations. I think it’s important to try to understand that people who care for you can also feel affected by your anxiety or they may be feeling stresses of there own as you are panicking, so even if you feel they should have been more understanding you should give them the benefit of the doubt.

Personally, I have found that because my partner has been honest with me about the way she feels this type of thing doesn’t really happen any more. So as well as telling your loved ones how you feel you should make sure to let them know that it’s ok to tell you how they feel too.

**********************

I’m pretty sure as soon as I switch my computer off I will think of loads of other ‘rules’ but that covers what was in my brain when I started writing.

If you have mental health problems how do you relate with others? Are you honest about your problems, anxieties, fears and phobias?

I would love to hear your stories

Love and light xxLisa

Are those really my only options and do I need to do them right away? What is driving me? Is it something pure and good? ….

A friend who works in a charity shop brought me loads of amazing books on The Roma (gypsies) including what can only be described as pamphlets that have been stapled together, naming all the Roma names and where the families are from.

I am half Roma on my Dad’s side (a Didicoy) and shamefully I have never really read up much on my heritage. I know the odd phrase (As my Dad speaks Roma) but it’s all mad stuff like ‘Dog’s arse’ and ‘Say nothing’. The Roma language is dying out, which is such a pity. Mainly because it was always kept such a secret and would just be passed on through the generations. The Roma felt that if outsiders (Gorgios) knew how their secret language they would be more able to hurt them. Another reason the language is dying out is because younger people aren’t wanting to speak it as much and many Roma are settling (The government make it very difficult for travellers to live the way of life they have been living for over 500 years in the UK and much longer in Europe)

The reason I talk about The Roma is because they seem to have a ‘way of life’ and it is something that they respect so much they would die to protect it. Many Roma can’t read or write and many don’t go to school but instead learn practical things -how to fix things, what plants to eat, how to trade. I feel sad that this isn’t respected more as a lifestyle choice.

I was thinking about what makes us happy and I know that helping others is absolutely the Key to this. I wondered whether I wanted to achieve my doctorate because it would make helping people easier or whether I would like to become a Doctor in something because having the title says things about you.

I actually wonder how many people gain qualifications to please other people or to make themselves feel more secure about things like their own intellect, social standing or to make people think that somehow they are successful.

I know if you want to do certain jobs you need certain qualifications and I know in order to counsel people the least I would need would be to do counselling training…

Is this even what I really want to do or have I been led to this on a wave of my own mental illness and the fact I chose psychology to study from home for something to do because I was agoraphobic.

I know that I want to do charity work before I do paid work and perhaps before I do whatever training I decide to do. I want to know more about my Romany Roots. You know I actually feel If I was travelling I wouldn’t be anxious. Also all of the Roma side of the family are anxious in some way, whether it comes out as anger or fear or worrying. I often wonder if this is because they are settled and not a part of a culture that has been built into them for so many years.

I think I should be
A Dr of counselling/clinical psychology. Totally sorted. Earning money. Thinking about moving house. ………….

Who I want to be
Someone who helps people to heal. A calm person who lives in an environment that is also calm. I would like to live somewhere that has a garden or that is near a forest. I want not to be anxious all the time and know how to tame my anxiety (I believe it will always be with me but I know I can learn how to control it), I want to be around animals and old people and children. I want to be around my friends more. I want to help and to make people happy

Who I am right now

I am healing. I am very still and read a lot. I would like to see my friends more often. my anxiety overwhelms me. I am studying, I often feel sad and angry that my healing has taken so long and I feel I have a long way to go. ..

I think there is a big disconnect between who we are meant to be and who we end up being. I think the reasons for the disconnect are many.

Who do you want to be/who are you? Is it far from what you want?

Perhaps I will just get a bow topped caravan and travel about for a while…perhaps that’s what I really want. Perhaps that would heal me.. I am a big woose though so it also may well kill me!!

Today I want to run about in a forest but I have no idea where the nearest one is… I should try to go for a walk anyway.

Sorry.. I’m a bit ramblesome today xxLisa

I think when you suffer from anxiety small things in life that most people seem to deal with during their lunch breaks feel like huge mountains to climb.

I think I explained the whole Doctor situation with you all. I am off to post (get someone to post) my letter to my Doctor. It’s strange that the situation has paralysed me so much. (Almost physically too ..I literally feel at times that I can’t move) .. So I apologise my typing fingers haven’t been doing much work.
I have been processing things a lot.

I wonder how I let things get so bad or go so far in regards to my mental health and the seemingly huge dips in it.

I really loved having Michael stay with us but it meant really keeping a lid on a of other things that were going on in my life, not being able to break down even when I felt like it.

I wonder if people with children are better at keeping their own problems to themselves, or if eventually things must come out and they either explode or let things out slowly?

I remember when I was younger I had a lot of anger and sadness inside me and would play my guitar and sing and write songs about how I felt. I think that without music .. I know that without music I wouldn’t be here today.

Today I find it difficult to let things out. I’m not sure I have ‘an outlet’

What do you do to help you get what’s inside out?

When I was younger I also used to cut myself most days but I haven’t found that a useful technique for over 5 years now thankfully.

I followed my counsellors advice to go out when I was arguing with My Partner and to transfer my anger/anxiety/frustration into physical energy. I did that last night. I told my partner I was going out to the bank and to go get us food… It was funny because she didn’t hear me and when I came back she was standing in the hall with a blanket on her head!! She had gone upstairs because she had shouted on me and I didn’t reply (Because I was in the Chinese take away place about 10 minutes away! ) and she thought I must be really upset at our argument (That I can’t even remember now) So had went upstairs with a blanket straight out of the tumble-drier (Which I love) and then realised I wasn’t in the house! :/

I feel like I should only write when I feel I move forward with my anxiety/agoraphobia somehow. Going out felt amazing! There were drunk people stoating about and the town was semi lively but the cold night air seemed to muffle them somehow. I always prefer going out at night. The town has some Xmas decorations up and it was quite nice walking along looking at them. I think being agoraphobic either deprives your senses so that when you do go somewhere it can go one of two ways. One that you appreciate every human encounter and every tree, flower or drunk person’s ramblings and you feel alive. Two that you feel over stimulated and it feels like every hand is a fist and every mouth open to speak feels like a snarl, lights become too bright and almost mingle with your other senses until you can almost taste and hear things you see. Smells are all over powering. Sounds become brash and the world sort of feels like you are in the film Eraserhead, what with its incessant unsettling industrial background and the strange and frightening detached unrealism.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qrl3n2ZtK2E
Actually, this is one of my favourite bits in the film..

In summery, for me Panic attacks are like being in the film Eraserhead!
How so you describe yours?

Love and light Lisa..

I can feel my anxiety in my body which I have been tensing every day for quite a while now. Something has got to give and I would rather let go of the stress than become physically ill.

It reminds me how interlinked our bodies and minds are when my anxiety manifests itself physically and it makes me feel even more annoyed at the whole ‘It’s all in your mind’ saying.

How do you feel psychically when you are stressed/anxious?

I was really worried because my old Doctor had convinced me that I was making a huge mistake by moving surgeries (I know he wanted to see me to talk me around because he has basically got himself into more and more trouble by contradicting himself and stating in writing that he went against the wishes of a psychiatrist regarding my medication *More to come about that later*)

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while but my stress levels have been insanely high. The night before my appointment I didn’t sleep and by the time it was morning and I had to go for my appointment I was having the type of panic attacks that root me to the floor and I can’t move.

The surgery were very cool about it and let me have an appointment at 11 instead.

Maybe it was fate as my Doctor was great. She had a really awesome name and looked like she was from the middle east but with a strong Glasgow accent. Right away she said “Ok, you seem anxious so we will just sort out your medication right away and then we can talk about as much as you can manage” *My old Doctor had told me that no other Doctors would prescribe my medication!!*

I know this sounds crazy but the atmosphere just seemed nicer there. The surgery has four women Doctors and the waiting room is very calm. They even have a wee couch out on the landing that I sat on. It’s probably for people who are really infectious but I thought “aww how lovely.. a space for anxious people to sit!!”

This was something I had been dreading. My hand was forced really to go find a new doctor because my other one was actually starting to be abusive. The letter he wrote to me was so humiliating and inaccurate and well so patronising. I just didn’t actually want to see him again.

Anyway.. just thought I would let you know my new Doctor seems lovely. You know when you can just tell when someone is kind? The patients seat was even right next to her’s when normally the Doctor sits behind his desk so impersonally. She even actually apologised to me when she was talking loads about ways in which I could get my prescription from the chemist and she was quite close and I freaked out a wee bit and stood up. She had no need to apologise but I felt it showed that she was very self aware and also aware of how I was feeling.

I am so glad I moved Doctors now. It was scary because I had no idea what my new Doctor would be like but it turns out they are 100 x better than my old one. That is one more thing off my mind.

Hope you are all well. xxLisa

ETA- I just want to say that if you are not happy with the way you are being treated by your doctor then get a new one. Doctors work for you and it is your right to find one that suits you and that you like. Change can be scary of course, especially if you have an anxiety disorder but being treated poorly is worse. xx

I was telling my counsellor about this on Wednesday. I told her about an argument my partner and I had on Tuesday where I had to leave the room because my sadness and anxiety had manifested into anger. I stood chopping vegetables with my hands visibly shaking, my body surging with adrenaline.

I admitted to my counsellor that I was afraid of being angry. She assured me that it was normal and I am only afraid because of my experiences with aggressive angry people and that my anger wasn’t like that. She said that if I could turn anxiety into anger then perhaps I could turn anxiety/anger into something positive like going out for a walk.

So last night arguing started again and I decided I didn’t want to be a part of it, so put on my coat and walked right down to the sea. I could feel my anger leaving my body and I realised I was out and was walking and I wasn’t panicking. I was soaking wet and crying and my adrenaline kept me moving forwards.

I stood looking at the sea crashing over the rocks and thought about my relationship.

I have a lot of things to think about regarding what to do next and where my life goes from here but at least I learned how to turn panic into anger and then into propulsion to get me moving. Actually I’m not sure anxiety to anger is something I know how to do.. and I really don’t like feeling angry but I see the relationship between these emotions and getting them out productively.

Until these things are solved or I leave I feel this is going to be a necessary coping mechanism.

I used to love walking in the rain I seem to remember. Perhaps I am remembering who I am again…or maybe I am just a mad person in my PJs Crying into the sea.

xxLisa

*I say normal.. but I have yet to meet a normal person! *

I had my list for the Day which included:

Call my new doctor and see if I was registered yet – Tick

This whole Doctor fiasco has really been detrimental to my mental health. I’m not sure how much I told you guys but basically my Doctor wrote back to me in reply to my complaint to him that I felt my treatment was making my anxiety worse and that he was taking me off medication without actually having anything else there to take its place and act as scaffolding.

He Cherry picked parts of my medical history including that I had appointments with a psychologist that I didn’t attend….. Yes, because I was agoraphobic. Basically the whole letter was an exercise in getting himself off the hook and not something he was doing to fix things or to make me feel better.

He was trying to hold me to ransom by trying to force me to come in and see him and withholding medication until I did. I felt by this point our relationship had totally broken down and I decided to just get a new Doctor. He called my advocate and spent half an hour trying to convince her to get me to reconsider.

I know that this is because he knows he has made huge mistakes medication wise and I have been treated really badly.

I think it’s really empowering to remember that Doctors work for you and If you are not happy with the way they are treating you then you can complain and you can leave and get a new Doctor. (At least that is true in Scotland)

I am scared I have to admit. I practically haven’t left the house since all this crap with my Doctors started and I have made an appointment with my new Doctor for Monday at 9.10. EEK! *Send me calming vibes if you remember! * Just thinking about it is making me anxious BUT I feel it is a step in the right direction in my journey to become a non anxious non agoraphobic person.

Call the open University and talk about changing courses: Half a tick

I’m not sure if I am ready to finish my psychology honours degree next year. I have no idea whether or not I will be tapering off medication and everything is up in the air. My anxiety levels are not great atm and I’m not sure I could handle going through stuff (Including counselling -which I will chat about another time!) while doing such an intensive course.
I think instead I would like to do a counselling course. I want to be a counsellor anyway and I need to do this course If I want to go on to do my counselling training at some point.

I wonder whether I am just scared of finishing something? I do have time to think about it. OH! As the women I called today told me…A student advisor is going to call me back so I have half done this thing!! lol

Write to my Ombudsman …not yet.

In his letter my Doctor said If I had any further complaints to take them up with my Ombudsman. While I will no longer be a part of that practice any more I still want to complain so that hopefully the same things don’t happen to anyone else. I think I need help with this because I know it’s something that will make me really anxious. My partner was busy today. I wrote out some thoughts and planned the structure of my letter so hopefully I wont ramble too much.

If you want to complain about your Doctor you can:

Contact your Ombudsman- First you have to have written to the Doctors and if you feel unhappy with their response you can copy a form from here:
http://www.spso.org.uk/files/form%202012.pdf

You can also complain if you are not happy with your prison!

*I was going to go on there but I realise this is only if you are in the UK- The citizens advice will be able to tell you how to go about making a complaint and will help you decide which route to take.

I feel like I am doing the groundwork at the moment. Pulling up all the weeds and crap and getting things organised to enable me to work hard this year at over coming my anxiety. (I’m not sure why I keep coming back to Gardening metaphors! ) – I have been using a lot of gruesome wound metaphors with my Counsellor ..at the moment as well as weeding my garden I am also cleaning the pus out of my wound, which is horrible and sore but something I need to do If I am ever able to heal.

Soon I will be able to write a list of stuff I am going to do in order for me to try to overcome my anxiety… I know it will involve meditation, going outside more and also still doing some happiness stuff..(Just maybe not as intensively! )

Love and light xxLisa