I had planned on writing about something else today but instead I have had to make some happiness out of my visit to hades. Here is the story….. Did I mention I had a really sore tooth? Well for the past couple of nights I have been unable to sleep and have been in a lot of pain. I knew I needed to have the tooth extracted for a long time but had been putting it off.. Last night though the pain was so intense I was actually crying and I have a pretty high threshold for pain.
I know when you read this you will probably think ‘ach, her agoraphobia can’t be that severe’ because I have done some ‘Things!’ but I think I remember saying in another blog I had only left the house about 3 times in the past 6 months, always with my safe person and always sedated like a circus animal on the rampage!
Yesterday I decided to bite the bullet (well was forced to as I didn’t get any sleep) to go to the hospital and get an x-ray. I had specifically asked for this because the oral type x-rays make me feel sick, which I know from experience (well when I last visited the dentist about 12 years ago!!)
The radiographer was lovely. I actually explained to her I had chronic anxiety and was anxious about the procedure, which it turned out wasn’t actually that bad and didn’t take long at all. She was very sweet and explained things to me and was gentle with me. Anyway, I was given a wee CD Rom thing to hand into my dentist.
Last night I felt like I was in hell. I couldn’t sleep and even though I took pretty strong pain killers they had absolutely no affect. I think I cried about 10 times. Those who have had bad toothache will know what I am talking about.
SO. I woke up knowing I HAD to go to the dentists. I started freaking out right away and felt like I couldn’t swallow (which is one of my symptoms of anxiety).. My partner called to see if I could get an emergency appointment and they had one about 10 past 10. I think it was about 8 so I had some breakfast. Toast and Valium (breakfast of champions erm and the chronically anxious!) I felt like I was biding my time till death row or something and started to feel absolutely unrealistic.
Not sure if you know this but anxiety is not the most glamorous of mental illnesses.. I had been gulping air for hours and my partner sat rubbing my back as I made croaking frog sounds and drooled. I can see why they find me so attractive! 
I knew I had to get this frigging tooth out and was crying in the morning that I would let my partner pull it out with a pair of pliers. . I was really worried because the last time I went to the dentist I barely allowed the dentist to look in my mouth. Also, the dentist that had been so sweet and patient with me was fully booked and I was in with someone new. (It’s common when you have anxiety that you worry about explaining yourself, worry about making a fool of yourself and some people even try to hide the fact that they are anxious and make themselves feel worse)
*Ok -The horror show that was the dentist visit-You might not want to read this if it is triggering to you, you need to go to the dentist soon or basically don’t like dentist stories* I will say BANANA when its ok to look again.
First of all I was freaking out in the waiting room ..so not a good start.. making my strange frog burps and not being able to swallow etc..
When they shouted my name everything started to go a bit David lynch and not realistic.. I half expected a singing girl with hamster cheeks to pop out of the radiator and stomp of some spermy looking things. *See eraser head-well maybe not..it messes with your brain*
The dentist had been told by my other dentist about just how anxious I was and so I think was expecting the musical chairs for one that was to follow. I would sit in the chair, freak out and then get back in. Eventually I worked up the courage to get the injections (I think I was given 3 or 4). Oh I meant to say, when I went into the dentists there was a bit Jaws sized x-ray of my teeth and the dentist said ‘Oh, it’s worse than we thought because there is a huge abscess under your tooth and the roots are rotten so we really need to get that out of you!’ – This explains the excruciating pain. Gah!
I know this blog seems like it is going on for ages.. but I’m cutting a long story short!! Anyway after my mouth was numb there was nothing left but to get the extraction. The dentist was really cool about the things that I am anxious about and I said the needle touching my tongue made me feel ill and anxious and she said she would try her best to avoid my tongue now that she knew that.
Anyway, she just talked to me and said there would be some tension but that getting a tooth removed was fairly quick.. then CRACK. .. and ‘Oh Dear’ L Which was not so encouraging. My tooth had cracked into bits and she had to try to extract them one bit at a time. A lot more work needed to be done and it took maybe 20 mins. I have no idea how I managed but I did. Some of the time I went into my zen place (more about that another time!) and the rest of the time I sort of freaked out and acted pathetic like the way my dog looks when she goes to the vet.
I needed stitches and when I swooshed my mouth out it was like a horror film (Quite liked that bit!) and I drooled blood all over myself. Hmm I seem to remember writing ‘I had to get stitches because the gash in my tooth space was so big’.. but can’t see where I have written it it and I need to draw out the drama…
BANANA!
Ok, the dentist stuff is over.. Oh! Something nice- The dentist who was just as lovely as my other one looked at me all awkwardly and said I know this sounds weird but ‘I’m really proud of you!’ -I was in zombie mode so sort of said thank you I think but it could have just been ‘uuuuuuurrrrghh’ and I ran off home!
I felt all sorry for myself and my numb mouth and I have decided to be nice to myself all day. A lot of people dislike going to the dentist and if you have chronic anxiety and agoraphobia it is a pretty big deal, so I am proud of myself. My partner said they were really proud of me and said when the last bit of took cracked out they felt their eyes water up because they knew how huge this was. (Oh, they were in the room with me and it made them feel a bit queasy) My partner actually called my mum and she said she was proud too. By this point I couldn’t speak as my tongue was totally numb!
Being good to myself – You know, I think people sometimes feel guilty for relaxing and being kind to themselves. I just went through something traumatic and I am going to make sure I spend the rest of the day being good to myself. I had a sleep for a couple of hours and my mouth was sore .. I stupidly ate a pancake which stuck into the sore bit of my mouth!! I confess it did make me cry in pain. Took some aspirin and Ibuprophin and My mouth doesn’t feel so bad anymore. It feels a big gory and the stitches are rank!!! For the rest of the day I will be eating ice-cream and watching films and cosying on the couch with my cat and partner. I am proud of me! I promise you, if I can do this, anyone with agoraphobia/anxiety can. I actually had a panic attack taking a bin outside the other day.
I think one technique when doing something big like this is to ‘come out’ as someone with an anxiety disorder. For the most part you will find that people will treat you with care and respect and if they don’t then go to people who will.
Allow yourself to feel anxious and panic. There is only so long this can last. If you are seeing the doctor/dentist then book in a double slot.
Never feel down on yourself if you don’t get the results you are looking for- even thinking about doing something is bringing you a step closer to doing it.
Anyway, after the pretty traumatic start to my day I am going to make myself happy by being kind to myself. I deserve kindness especially from myself! I think many people with anxiety disorders feel they don’t deserve to treat themselves –There is so much stigma attached to mental health that it’s almost like we should never have fun/be happy which just isn’t true. Always be kind to yourself. We are always so hard on ourselves when we don’t make the dental/doctor’s appointment, when we feel we are not up to meeting with a friend, when we are having a hard time and have felt like we needed to stay in bed. These are the times we should be the kindest to ourselves. When we realise we are not going to be punished for having a mental illness then we will feel less anxious about the things we want/need to do and will have more of a chance of doing them.
Think about how you would treat someone else who came to you feeling as you do. How would you treat them? With kindness I’m sure. It’s weird that it’s easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to yourself. Anyway, I am breaking this pattern today!! I’m off to crack open the Ice-cream, get on the couch under a blanket and watch some crappy films with my partner.
Love and light to you all and one less pain in the mouth!!!
Tags: agoraphobia, anxiety, being kind to yourself, being nice, crying, dentist phocia, dentists, Emephobia, ice-cream, kindness, pain, pain killers., phobia, teeth, tooth extraction, trauma, Valium, x-ray
* and I feel like crap today. If you want to hear more moaning.. I also have a sore tum from eating something dodgy yesterday! (Totally my fault..Kebab!? What was I thinking!?) *How do you do cry face?* Normally I try to get on with things but today I just felt too crappy.
hehe.. Today I decided I was going to look after myself and be kind to me. I think all to often we feel forced to carry on even when we are really not feeling good. (I guess sometimes we have no choice). If we get the chance we should stop and be kind to ourselves. We don’t even have to be sick to do this.. any time is the right time to be kind to yourself.
